I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
