It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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