If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
