God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
