I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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