she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
