Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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