Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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