I puked a lego.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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