Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
