youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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