Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize