I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
