it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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