Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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