look no pants
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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