Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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