I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize