note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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