Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
