my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
