i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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