Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
