Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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