The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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