Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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