im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
