She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This baby is an asshole
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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