Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
