Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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