Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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