Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
how drunk are you?
Several
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
