I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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