Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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