well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
