I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
