but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
