Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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