8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My ATM looks so different sober.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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