Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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