Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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