Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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