So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
