I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
