And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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