Four minutes until I can fart!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize