I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
OPIZZABONMYDICK
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just pee around me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
