Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
