he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You pole danced in your parka.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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