just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
