the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
