I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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