you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
