I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
