i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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