how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
