Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
